Good Lord, She's Drunk!
by DaftPenguinofDoom
Summary: SOMEBODY gets pickled. MMADness, simply MMADness. Could be complete, could be not.
1. Night Thereof

Oh Lord, She's drunk.

"Wull, hullo!" she stumbled in, glasses askew, a half-empty wine bottle tipping dangerously in her fist.

"I beg your pardon?" asked a surprised Albus.

"I saaaaaid HULL-O!"

"Excuse me?" he put down his book to examine her closely.

"HULL-o! Albus! You missed the party of a lifetime! 'Twas fer you and you missed half of it! I sure don' agree with that Hooch lady about her quidditch choices, but she shure knows how to make a cocktail!" she tripped over a table leg and fell into his arms, her robes getting tangled in themselves and her hair falling into her face. She blew upwards towards the strands, which flew up then fell back down in her face. She sloppily pushed the hair away from her eyes with her arm, "Jus' keeps falling down don' it?"

Her? Speaking incorrect English? Was it possible? Good Lord, he thought to himself, she's drunk.

"Hair never behaves as it should," she said falling back on a sofa, wine bottle still firmly clenched in her hand, "Tha's why I usually keep it back," she continued. Her head slanted dangerously, "But tonight, everything jus' keeps acting SILLY," she giggled, "Hullo!"

"Yes, you already said that," he said turning away from her as she laughed in his face.

"Did I? I can' remmember," she said looking at him with a frown.

"Minerva, I think you ought to go to bed…"

"Nnnn-O! Why should I do thaT?"

"I think… you are seriously drunk," he said lifting her off the sofa.

"Almus Dumbleore, what on Earth would make you think that?" she said leaning her head on his shoulder.

"In the first place, the name is Albus. The second place, you are carrying a half-empty wine bottle, third… your breath smells it,"

"Doezzit?"

"And fourth place, you're slurring,"

"Tha's nonsense! Inever slerr, people should _all_-ways spoke, speak good English,"

"I believe it's "speak English well" or "speak proper English"," he corrected.

"Tha's what I said!"

"No, you did not."

"What?"

"I said, 'no, you did not',"

"Oh, issat what you said,"

"Yes, it is."

"You know… you should try some of thisstuff…" she said swinging up the wine bottle, nearly hitting him in the face.

"What is it?"

"Darned good champagne,"

"Is it?"

"Yyyyup!"

"Really?"

"Yuuuup!" she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Maybe I will,"

"You w-hic-would?"

"I like champagne,"

"You –hic- Dooo?"

"Yes, I dooo," he said mocking her slur.

"I've got the –hic- hiccups,"

"Yes, I noticed,"

"Where're we going?"

"Bed,"

She frowned, "Why? The night's jus' –hic- begun!"

"It's three."

She frowned again, "Is it?"

"Yes."

"-hic- Oh."

"The night's over for you, sweetheart," he put her down on the bed.

"Dowe have classestomorrow?"

"No," he said as he took off her shoes.

"Why not?"

"It's summer holiday, Minerva, we don't teach classes in the summer,"

"You know, I've Always wondered… Why not?"

"Because some people would _never_ go home, that's why not,"

"Oh… yes, I suppose that makes sense," she said tapping her nose. She put her hand to the back of her head and began pulling out pins, "I'm awfully tired,"

"You should be, it's been a long day," he said, "You're going to hate me for putting you to bed with your clothes on."

"Then why are you?" she said lying down on her stomach.

"Good heavens, why would you ask me a question like that?"

"I just thought I would. You don't have to you know," she said flicking her wand. Drunk, she was still good with her spells. Her day dress changed into her nightgown, "How has it been a long day?" she asked yawning.

"I came back."

"Thus the champagne," she said thrusting the bottle that was still pasted to her fist.

"Give me that," he said prying it from her hand.

He looked at the bottle. It was still half-full.

"How did you keep it from spilling out?" he asked looking at it curiously.

"'Smagic," she said drowsily smiling.

He took a swig, "Dragons and dingbats, that _is _good champagne." He looked at the bottle.

"-Hic-"

He took a deeper swig, "I may very well get drunk too,"

"I'm not drrunk."

"Of course you aren't darling," he kissed her on the forehead.

"Come on, Headmaster, you can do better than that," she said grabbing the lapels of his evening robe.

"Not without another drink," he said placing the bottle to his lips.

"Oh, no you don't tha's mine," she said taking it away from him. She swallowed another gulp.

"You shameless hussy, give that back," he said reaching for the bottle. She pulled it out of his reach.

"A hussy, sir? I –hic- think not. The –hic- hiccups are back,"

"Yes, I noticed,"

"How –hic- how d'you get rid of –hic- hiccups,"

"I can think of a few ways,"

"Can you?"

"Give me the bottle first,"

"Oh, you mean hold my –hic- breath and take a drink, -hic- huh? Wait lemme try it," she said putting it up to her lips and holding a finger up to him as he tried again to take the bottle away, "-hic- nope –hic- didn't work."

"I meant something else,"

"What else? –hic- Sc-hic- scare me? Oh, they –hic- they're worse th –hic- this time. Shure, le's call in –hic- in Peeves, he's scary," she said attempting to get up.

He held her down, "That won't be necessary. I was thinking something a little closer to home,"

"What? –hic-," she asked with a silly grin on her intoxicated face.

"Can't you guess?"

"Nope,"

"I think you can," he said in a soft seductive voice.

"-Hic- Oh, -hic- stop flirting and –hic- do it already," she said cupping the back of his head and giving him a long hard kiss.

"Mmm, you taste like champagne,"

"I should –hic- I drank half –hic- half a bottle. Drat, it didn't –hic- work. You'll have to do it again,"

"My pleasure," he said as he lowered his head to hers.

"You know, you're right, I think I am drunk,"

"I'm glad,"

"Yeah?"

"I like you better when you're easy to seduce,"

"I'm usually easy to seduce,"

"Not this easy," he said climbing into bed.

"I'm glad you married me, now you can seduce me any time you like," she said snuggling up to him.

"Not tonight,"

"Why not?"

"You'll regret it,"

"Why?"

"You wouldn't remember it,"

"So?"

"You're far too sleepy,"

"I'm gonna have a heck of a hangover tomorrow,"

"Yes, you are," he said putting a protective arm around her as she swiftly fell asleep and thought of how truly lucky he was.

(I've seen quite a few movies lately where someone gets drunk. It seemed like an interesting idea. I may write a sequel to this. Just because. Well, review and have a nice day!)


	2. Morning after

"Good morning, Minerva," Albus whispered into his sleeping wife's ear and rose to take a shower. He chuckled softly to himself as he looked at her, one arm hanging off the bed, her mouth gaping and a puddle of drool forming on her pillow. Her hair was extraordinarily messy and her nightgown had slipped a bit during the night showing a creamy swath of shoulder. No one would believe that this dead asleep woman was the strict transfiguration teacher the students knew and disliked because of her severity. No, they would never believe.

After he was done with his shower, he went downstairs to his study and set the coffee going. He'd have conjured it himself, but he never made it strong enough for her liking so he set the machine running, which she seemed to prefer and he had a feeling she'd need it stronger this morning than most. When it was done, he conjured a cup of tea for himself and sat down at his desk to look over papers from the ministry as if he didn't already have enough things to do.

She'd be along any minute. Her alarm clock went off and stopped. Ten minutes later, her alarm clock went off again. It stopped yet again. Her alarm clock went off a third time ten minutes later. He looked up curiously to see what would happen as it rang longer this time than it had previously. Suddenly, he heard a loud crash and the alarm clock stopped abruptly in mid-ring followed by what he was sure had been a cuss word.

"Ooooo ,this is going to be one of those days," he said softly to himself as he took another sip of tea. His wife was soon at the bottom of the stairs, bare-footed and nightgown askew. She looked like a grumpy child just woken up from a very sound nap even at her age.

"Bloody… alarm clock…"

"Good morning, darling," he said kissing her forehead and placing a cup of strong coffee in her hands.

"Speak for yourself," she said rubbing the sleep out of one her eyes, "The alarm clock's broken."

"Yes, I heard,"

"Oh!" she said looking down in her hand, "coffee!"

"Yes…"

She took a sip, "Strong coffee… good…"

"I made it just for you."

"Thank you!"

"The first civil thing you've said this morning,"

She grimaced as he opened the blinds, "I'm sorry, darling… Ooo, my head… what happened last night?"

"You mean this morning?"

"Hmmm?"

"You got scathingly drunk,"

"I did what?"

"You got very drunk, dearest."

"Oh. Is that why it feels like someone has taken a jackhammer to my skull?"

"I believe so,"

"Oooooh, never let me get that drunk again…"

"But you were a very cute drunk,"

"Al- Albus," she said yawning in a whiney voice. She stretched and stopped, "Wait, what?"

"I said you were a very cute drunk," he said with a look of pure mischief.

"Albus… did I… I mean… what… what…?"

"Yes?"

"What happened last night? Is there something…er… that I should … uh… remember that I don't?"

"Darling Minerva, whatever do you mean? Oh you mean what happened last night? As in, what happened last night when you got back to the room, then?"

"Yes, yes… that's what I mean,"

He laughed, his eyes twinkling, "Nothing,"

"Oh that's a relief." She said with a relieved sigh.

He laughed again, "You're a silly kitten, m'dear,"

She scowled at him, "I'm hardly a kitten."

"So you wouldn't want anything to happen?"

"Not without my knowledge," she said into her cup.

"You never cease to surprise me. Married for how many decades and you're afraid of being seduced by your own husband," he said with mock surprise.

"Ugg, that is not what I mean. I'd like to remember making love to my dashingly annoying husband who, by the way, I am very happy is back," she said smiling drowsily.

He smiled gently at that, "Did you miss me?"

"Terribly," she said holding his gaze, "Damned ruddy woman near ruined the whole school with her stupid rules and idiot group of spies. Couldn't have picked a worse group of informers if she had tried. She's not even all that good at magic."

"She got you pretty well," Albus said sadly, "scared me half to death."

She nodded with equal sadness, "It was close wasn't it? But then again, she had help."

"You're a very noble woman," Albus said with admiration.

"No, just a very stubborn one," she said yawning again, "And right now a very sick one."

"Go back to bed, Minerva," Albus said sympathetically.

She shook her head, "Too late, I'm up now. I'll take a nap later if I need it."

"You're funny,"

"And you're the only person who ever says that…"


End file.
